JOKES AND PICK-UP LINES

Since we all take Chemistry and we will learn the periodic table one way or another, here are some jokes and pick-up lines to make the periodic table seem more FluorineUraniumNitrogen! (FUN!)

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

A: It went OK

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

A: Na

Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

A: HeHe

Q: What did one ion say to the other?

A: I’ve got my ion you.

Q: Are you made up of Copper and Tellerium?

A: ‘Cause you’re CuTe

Q: You must be made of Uranium and Iodine!

A: Because all I can see is U and I

Q: What kind of fish is made up of two Na atoms?

A: 2 Na

Q: What is the show Caesium and Iodine love watching together?

A: CSI

Q: Are you full of Beryllium, Gold and Titanium?

A; BEcause you’re BE AU TI- full

Q: Are you a mixture of Fluoride, Iodine, and Neon?

A: Because you are fine

  1. Anyone know any sodium, bromine, or Oxygen jokes? Na BrO
  2. What sharp object do you get when you combine potassium, nickel, and iron? – KniFe
  3. Where do you put dirty dishes? In the zinc
  4. What’s the name of the element that comes after nine? – Tin

I hope these chemistry jokes made you crack up! Please don’t say that my jokes are boron, for all the good ones argon :- (

Germaine Ong 3 Purity

Jokes

 

Many of us often like to crack jokes. It livens up the mood in the room, makes people laugh, and we often end up feeling very accomplished. However, we sometimes find ourselves in a sticky situation- how do we make jokes that are guaranteed to succeed? How do we not end up in an awkward silence after attempting to explain the joke to a room full of straight faces?

There are actually many forms of humour that people use to wow a crowd, but I’ll just be touching on 3.

The first type of humour is Deadpan humour, also more affectionately known as dry humour. This form of humour focuses more on the way one puts it across, and does not solely rely on the content of the joke. Successful comedians often deliver the joke with a straight face and minimal emotion. The intention of the joke is to come across sarcastic, the tone being contradictory to the content of the joke. One example would be “Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.” This joke, when delivered in a serious and somewhat ‘matter-of-fact’ tone, can tickle a funny bone. It takes a brave soul to crack dry jokes, as they often require an audience willing to delve deeper into the underlying meanings of your joke. Since it is done with minimal emotion, one may also misunderstand you to have meant what you said. Hence, deadpan humour is not a sure-win method of making jokes, but it can sure reap some laughter.

The second type of humour would be self deprecating humour. People who crack these jokes have high self esteem and are able to put themselves down and make others laugh at the expense of themselves. Often, audience find this type of humour relatable and hence they feel more inclined to laugh in agreement. One example would be “I walk two miles a day. One to the donut shop, and one home.” This joke suggests that the speaker’s only form of exercise is to the donut shop to indulge in unhealthy food. Many would be able to relate to the speaker, and hence will laugh, possibly also in admiration of the speaker’s bravery to openly admit his/her own flaws in the public. Hence, self-deprecating humour, when done in a light hearted manner, is sure to turn many heads.

The third and last type of humour I would like to share is slapstick comedy. This type of comedy is very easy to identify, since it is often married with silly actions and dramatic movements by the speaker. One example would be the lovable Mr Bean, who has brought many enjoyable times to our childhood days by dancing with his teddy bear and poking his nose into things that are often none of his business. Mr Bean is an iconic and accurate representation of slapstick comedy, a type of humour that reaps in laughter solely based on the silliness of one’s speech or actions.

Now that I have touched on a few types of humour, I wish you all the best the next time you crack a joke. May you be rewarded with guffaws and erupting laughter as your audience appreciates your many jokes.

Nicolette Kum 4W

 

Jokes

Children and exams go hand in hand like peanut butter and jam. Speak to almost any child in Singapore and the conversation will invariably drift towards exams and tests. But while exams are a serious matter, that doesn’t mean that exam humour cannot be enjoyed every now and then. Even this collection of jokes and the next time you’re preparing for an exam, remember these hapless characters.

  1. Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?

Son: Absence!

Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?

Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

 

  1. A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

 

  1. Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this exam.

Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!

 

  1. Fred was saying his prayers. God bless my mum and dad and please make Montreal the capital of Canada.

Why did you say that, Fred? asked his mother.

Because that’s what I wrote in my exam, explained Fred.

 

  1. Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Fred’s test paper.                                              Pupil: I hope you didn’t see me either!

 

  1. EXAM QUESTION: When was Napoleon born?                                                          PUPIL’S ANSWER: On his birthday.

 

  1. EXAM QUESTION: What happens to gold when it is exposed to air?                    PUPIL’S ANSWER: It’s stolen.

 

  1. Father: Aren’t you first in anything at school?

Junior: Sure, Dad. I’m first out when the bell rings!

 

  1. Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

Student: You can’t fool me, teacher. Snakes don’t have feet.

 

  1. “It’s clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?” “Well–my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait a little while until it settles down.”

 

I hope you enjoyed the jokes. I certainly had a lot of fun collecting them. Believe it or not, some of these situations actually happened! We all have good and bad days in school and sometimes in the cases above, we have hilarious days. But through it all, we should always remember to be grateful to our teachers and parents for giving us the opportunity to have an awesome education.

References

http://www.myenglishpages.com/site_php_files/reading-jokes-about-exams.php

http://www.schooljokes.com/exams/2.shtml

Elizabeth Leong (1T)

 

Jokes

It’s the third week of school and I’m sure many of us are really exhausted from all the rushing about and the mountains of homework! Here are some pickup lines to use on your homework so doing them won’t be such a chore anymore J

  1. Are you from Australia? Because you’ve met all my koalafications
  2. Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’m searching for
  3. Did you have magnets for lunch? You’re looking pretty attractive right now!
  4. Do you generate electricity through hydropower because dam
  5. Did you survive Avada Kedavra because you’re drop-dead gorgeous
  6. Do you play Quidditch because you look like a Keeper
  7. Hey, my name is Microsoft and you can crash at my place tonight
  8. Has your license gotten suspended yet? Because you just drove me crazy
  9. Are you garbage because I wanna take you out
  10. Are you Pepsi because you’re so-da-licious
  11. Are you bromine oxide because BrO you’re sodium fine
  12. Are you One Direction because you light up my world like nobody else
  13. Is your name Taylor Swift? Because I’d write your name on every blank space in my world
  14. Are you a mitochondrion because you’re the powerhouse of my life

Source:

https://twitter.com/pickupIines

Chua Wei Ting (3 Purity)

Too Cheesy For Me Pick Up Lines

Pick up lines trend from time to time, they often follow the trends going on around the world such as the Pokémon Go craze (pick up line 9) or are related to stereotypes. Guys think of pick-up lines as a simple way to start a conversation without awkwardness seeping in while most girls just find it irritating.

Below are some of the most well-known and common pick-up lines easily found on the surface of the web. Girls, are you sick of them?

The “is your”s

  1. Is your name google? Because you got everything I’m searching for.
  2. Is your name wifi? Because I feel a connection.
  3. Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.

The “do you”s

  1. Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?
  2. Do you work at a café? Because I love you a latte.
  3. Do you take triple science? No? Well, at least we got chemistry.
  4. Do you think there’s a problem with my phone? I can’t seem to find your number.

The “are you”s

  1. Are you a parking ticket? Because you got “fine” written all over you.
  2. Are you Pikachu? Because I choose you!
  3. Are you part of the team? Bench-warmer? From what I know the benchwarmers don’t run in my head all day long!

Random

  1. Did your license get suspended for driving all the boys crazy?
  2. Did the sun just shine? Oh sorry, you just smiled.
  3. Life without you is like a broken pencil…pointless

Girls prefer creativity and originality, something that relates to what is happening in the moment and not random, pick-up lines might be a good way to spice up a conversation with your best friends but using it for a serious purpose…I hope that through this short compilation boys can learn a thing or two about picking up girls and girls finally found someone who understands their feelings.

 

Ang Yen Chi (4)

2 Unity

Jokes

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Did you laugh? Well if you didnt know that is called a joke. Jokes make us laugh and many of us may wonder what makes a joke funny? I have heard many lame jokes that are not funny and some that have made me laugh with tears rolling down my eyes. What are the differences between a good joke and a bad joke? Research shows that there is a specific area of our brains, which enables us to react to humour. Using a brain scanning method called Magnetic Resonance Imaging, scientists found the precise area was behind the frontal lobes of the brain, in the section of the Prefrontal cortex, which plays a large part in flexible thinking. At Laugh Lab, an experiment was held to understand this phenomena, where a group of people undertook these MRI scans, as well as answering a series of questions. As the subjects listened to jokes, their brain activity was scanned. They were then read “serious” sentences and both results were compared. Their findings were astonishing. When the “punchlines” of the jokes were heard, the scan showed much more activity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, compared to when they were read the “serious” sentences. Obviously, it illustrated that when this part of the brain was activated, it enabled the participants to “get” the punch line within an element of surprise – and ultimately realize why the joke was funny.

It was clear that without the function of this section of the brain, understanding a joke would be very difficult, if not impossible. In fact, research shows that people who have suffered from brain damage to this frontal area of the brain have commonly lost their sense of humour.

So next time you hear a funny joke, you will know why it is funny.

haa.png

Credits: http://www.funny-jokes.arollo.com/index.html

Ashley Tung 1P

 

Jokes

15 of the Funniest Jokes Ever

  • Two fishes are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
  • I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  • Want to hear a construction joke? I’m still working on it.
  • Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  • I named my dog ‘5 miles’ so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
  • Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.
  • Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
  • Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
  • A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”
  • I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.
  • “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!” “Sit down and I’ll deal with you later.”
  • Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

  • What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert? No thanks, I’m stuffed.
  • Why did the man put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.
  • Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

Source: https://twitter.com/best_jokes?lang=en

Chloe Kho (2P)

 

MRT Puns: The Singapore Edition

Hi everyone! National Day has just passed, so let’s reaffirm our Singaporean identity once again by laughing over what we do best: creating memes, speaking Singlish and familiarising ourselves with the names of MRT stations!

  1. It’s so warm in my living room ‘cos Marsiling (my ceiling) fan is broken.
  2. My keropok lau hong. Not Kranji (crunchy) already.
  3. I failed my spelling, so my teacher said: Simei (see me) after school.
  4. Do you not understand? Okay I will Esplanade (explain it) to you slowly.
  5. Of course can lah. I knows, and Eunos (you know) it can be done.
  6. The Beatles said, “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Aljunied (All You Need) is love.” *
  7. This train goes in only One Direction. That’s what makes it b-Yew Tee-ful. (b-eauti-ful) **
  8. We all have good days, and bad ones. Some are happy, Somerset. (Some are sad)
  9. MRT also can pun meh? You’ve Khatib (got to) be kidding me.
  10. Don’t you just hate it when you help settle the bill then no one wants Toa Payoh (to pay you) back?
  11. That pun was so terrible. It took him a week to get Dover (over)
  12. Po-peh! Po-peh! Po-peh! Po-peh! Kallang (garung) guniiii
  13. My son needs help with his studies. Can Yew Tee-ch (you tea-ch) him?
  14. The teh o thief got caught in the act. He pleaded for Clementi. (lemon tea)
  15. The librarian told me: The Bugis (book is) over there you cannot see meh?
  16. Wah! Your pun level: 1000. Others may try but they Kent Ridge (can’t reach)
  17. Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dhoby.

Dhoby Ghaut… (Dobby got)

…master’s sock.

Dhoby is a free elf.**

  1. Enough! We’ve hit Dakota (the quota) of puns for today.

Note:

(Names of MRT stations in pink, correct words to replace them in purple)

* Lyrics of the Beatles’ “All You Need is Love”

** Based on UK band One Direction’s song “What Makes You Beautiful”

*** For Harry Potter fans

Adapted from:

http://singaporeseen.stomp.com.sg/this-urban-jungle/woman-creates-her-own-epic-version-of-spore-mrt-puns-that-will-do-all-locals-proud

(Memes are all created by Facebook user Pamela Tham – I edited some of the memes so that the sentence structure becomes grammatically correct.)

Germaine Lee

3T

Jokes/Pick-up Lines: Barrels of Laughter

haha funny

Suffering the first week of term blues? Do not fret, for these jokes and pick- up lines are sure to make you laugh out loud! Though laughing without a reason can end up with a pleasant trip to the mental hospital…

Jokes

Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

A: Because she will let it go!

 

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoilt milk!

 

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?

A: Lawsuits!

 

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

A: Because he was not peeling well!

 

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A: A waist of time!

 

Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?

A: One, because after that the backpack wouldn’t be empty anymore!

 

Q: What do you call a pig who does karate?

A: A porkchop!

 

Q: How do you know that ghosts are bad liars?

A: Because you can see right through them!

 

Q: What animal needs to wear a wig?

A: A bald eagle!

 

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?

A: A walk!

 

Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?

A: Man, that hit the spot!

 

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

A: Because they use honeycombs!

Q: What happened to that dog who swallowed a firefly?

A: He barked with de-light!

 

Q: Why are frogs so happy?

A: They eat anything that bugs them!

 

Q: What do you call security guards that work outside a samsung shop?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy!

 

Today I gave my dead batteries away… free of charge.

 

“I am going bananas” that is what I tell my bananas each time before leaving the house.

 

A butcher goes on his first date and says,” It was nice meating you.”

 

I heard a story of a broken pencil that I’d tell you but it is pointless.

 

I am going to stand outside. So if anybody asks, I am outstanding.

 

I hope that these jokes have brightened up your day!

Rachel Goh

S1 Purity

References:

http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/kidjokes.html

http://frugalfun4boys.com/2015/04/30/hilarious-jokes-for-kids/
https://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwigp8Pf9czNAhWLuY8KHXncBbYQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mynameisfoxtrot.com%2Fjournal%2F2010%2F4%2F23%2Fpictorial-puns.html&psig=AFQjCNHlBV7M3Y8Q1uM-UcnGNLKKf2meuQ&ust=1467278766185685

Jokes and giggles

It is a tense period for many as they wait for their results. Let us look at some jokes to cheer that grumpy face up and relax!

Joke 1:

What do you call a cheese that is not yours?

Answer: Nacho cheese!

Joke 2:  What do you call a bull that is sleeping?

Answer: A bulldozer!

Joke 3: How do astronomers organise a party?

Answer: They planet.

A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal.”

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they’ll go to Pluto because it’s the farthest. Russia says they’ll go to Jupiter because it’s the biggest. Poland says they’ll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they’ll melt. They reply, “We’ll go at night.”

I hope you have enjoyed!

Sources: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/national-jokes

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/word-play-jokes

Yeo Hui Min Mandy

1U